Secret Harmonic Emotion

I thought we were having fun and i thought i was happy and satisfied with the things we'd done till 'then'.It was so persuasive that i stopped checking the time to see how many hours was left to see Iamx.

We didn't drink that day so my friends wanted to have beer before we got in, but i couldn't wait, of course.I entered the bar alone and handed in all of my belongings to the cloackroom, even my cellphone.I didn't want to be responsible of anything because i knew i was gonna lose control and that i would be an easy target to exploit.

It wasn't that crowded when i got in but some people were already there to keep their places along the first line, just in front of the stage.I felt stupid and thought, "i should've been there earlier" and secured myself a nice place too.

I wasn't excited or happy before Chris came to the stage, i was just nervous, sulking, i don't know why, probably i was afraid of the state of my psychology after the gig, because i am influenced by certain things easily and that "thing" to influence me that night was very a powerful one.One of my friends, Açe, came too..But we didn't talk much, although there were lots to tell about what happened till then, i just didn't find those things to be things to talk about.And with the worst audience you can think of, we waited for an hour.I didn't like the people around us, they were all relaxed, laughing, arguing, hitting each other and they were rudee, fucking rude and fake..One of them, a girl behind me told us indirectly, out of nothing, that she didn't know us and she would put up a fight.But i acted like i didn't hear what she said.

Then Chris appeared on the stage, giving me an uplifting emotion, isolating me from the crowd.I just stared at him for a while, watching his godlike moves then i started to sing along.Those lyrics and music that touch something in me while i was listening to them in different, irrelevant places were played live in front of me and i found it hard to believe for a while. I can tell that everyone enjoyed it,enjoyed seeing Chris and enjoyed singing along but i need to express that i guess i "felt" more and that's what's important.It was great to scream out those lyrics which generate the background of some events of my life and those lyrics which share the same philosophy towards life as i do and it was great to hear the tunes live i loved, sometimes the agressive beat of a drum either that is there to make you reliaze the situations that are expressed in the lyrics and wake you up or to help you be hypnotized in the song and the keyboard which also has a taking away effect.And of course the unique and sincere voice of Chris which is ,in some songs, accompanied by Janine's back vocals.I loved it when she voiced again the uncaring but realistic kind of human in her lines in "You Can Be Happy".There is something i need to say about "the running", i love that song and like every song of IAMX, i associate it with some event, someone in my life.Although i loved hearing it too, i need to say i felt like it was not for public listening, with softened effect of music but with more intimate voice of Chris' ,it seemed to me it was created for one to one moments, maybe i felt so because i knew what most of the audience was all about, maybe i would feel different with a much different (better) audience, i don't know really.I didn't like it when i heard a guy asking his friend "when hes gonna play that song with dog(bring me back a dog, i assumed)" while Chris was singing "The Running.

When he first appeared on the stage, i was shy to touch him, thought maybe he wouldn't like that much of touching, because others were touching him too.I thought maybe that would make him feel like an object which is desired just for sexual desires, not for the respect.But soon i realized how wrong i was, he was holding out his hands to us and patting people's heads, to feel more, to stregthen the connection inbetween.Then i kept touching him whenever i could, holding his hands, touching his sweaty chest and face and it felt great.I was crazy when he did stage-diving, he seemed out of control, just feeling.

He threw out 4 drumsticks, i took one of them from his mouth, i don't want to say he gave it to me, because i think he did it at random but he bent down in front of me, and i took the drumstick, other girls tried to take it from me, although Açe, Cansu and i were holding it, it was rather embarassing, we tried to hold it tight but i had to make a choise between seeing Chris more and trying to keep other girls' hands off of the drumstick, when my friend assured me that i could leave it and that she'd try to keep it, i left the stick to her control, but later she told me that one of the girls had hard gloves and she did hit her hand with her gloves and took it.This is "stealing" and not something which was done for the first time at an IAMX İstanbul gig, the other time, when Chris dived into the crowd, someone stole his hat.., it doesn't show her love, respect for Chris, i don't think he'd find it nice, the other 3 sticks were taken by the people around me and i didn't touch them, and it was not because i didn't want them, believe me.

Then he left the stage, leaving me unsatisfied, but i wouldn't be satisfied anyway if he played 10 more songs because, you know, human nature, you always want more!
The reason why i always centered my thoughts, eyesight around Chris is that he creates this music and wrties those lyrics, but i have respect for the other members of the live band because they were nice too.




Much more happened after the gig, i wanted to wait for Chris, to take a picture maybe or to see him a couple of seconds more.Gizem didn't want to wait, because the nightlife in İstanbul was still going on, so we stayed there with Cansu.It probably would be harder to wait alone with people seeing us as "the freaks".They seemed like they didn't understand why we were waiting for Chris, the security guard, while we were waiting in front of the backstage, felt that he had to make an explanation, saying that he worked at Metallica concert, and he could understand that, but this?..He told me" i'm not ignorant or anything but i don't know this band, are they known much?"I can't judge him of course, i don't even know him but i didn't like it,When, after he made those statements, he was leaving (yes, we left even after the security guard) he came to me and shoved his signed IAMX cd in my face and said,"i'll probably cast it away when i get home", and i excitedly said "then you could give it to me maybe, he laughed, said no and left.I guess he had mental problems, this is called "tantalizing".

The Turkish Manager (we were told so) also asked me why we were waiting for, when i replied back, "for Chris", he told me that Chris made it clear that he didn't want to see anybody and that but i if liked i could talk to Alberto, who was trying to get rid of a horny, stupid girl in front of the bar.I'll talk about this emberassing girl later on.

So, the only people who didn't find it surprising that we were waiting for Chris were Alberto, and the Manager; Reza.
I met Reza in front of the backstage, The security guard didn't let someone in and Reza said, "i know him", the guard let him in and Reza took his way to go after him and i unconsciously told him that he knew me too.I felt stupid when he came back and asked, " do i know you" i said something like you'll get to, if you let me introduce myself and he seemed interested and friendly, asked my name etc.At that moment, while i was explaining him what my name meant, that freak girl who wanted just to have sex with Alberto, came and interrupt us rudely, shouting at Reza, "Where is Alberto, Where, Where etc Reza was surprised by her rude behaviours and me and my friends were embarassed, after all, we all live in the same country and those kind of people spoil our reputation with their stupid flaws.(Now you get i guess, why i said at the beginning that the audience was fake and bad, you should've seen this girl,she sang along the songs, but how much can this girl put a value on those songs while she herself is someone that is shown as inappropriate in those lyrics, lack of emotion, respect and someone who "can't even talk the talk and can't communicate" in a nice way, another thing, i have a little bit of opinion concerning her level in English, because actually you don't say "sex me Alberto, you'd probably say i want to have sex with you Alberto, right?i couldn't also understand how someone who can't recognize that the word "sex" is not actually a verb but a noun could understand IAMX lyrics, anyway.)..back to the story, i saw Alberto then and unconciously again, throw her towards him, i would like to apologize now for doing such a thing, i may have saved Reza but i made Alberto now the victim of her.Interestingly, he was nice to her and somehow got rid of her, following Reza to the backstage.Then we were thrown out with her, probably for what SHE did.

It was like 3 am then and there was no other fans except us, which was pretty nice.I saw Alberto and the Turkish Manager sitting on a bank in front of the bar, Alberto was telling him how he was annoyed by that stupid girl who came to the gig with her boyfriend but telling Alberto to "sex her".We sat next to them, i asked the Turkish guy in Turkish if we could too get involved in the conversation.He said Ok but avoided looking at us though he deridingly said "why would i (in a sense to say, who are you to)when i asked him why he was avoiding.I felt that i had to make it clear that i wouldn't ask him to do anything, like "can you tell Chris that we're waiting for hours and we want to meet him etc".

I'm a little bit problematic in asking people to do me a favour if they're not close friends, i never want to be at someone else's mercy to achieve something so i didn't want to ask Reza (though he was very friendly and seemed someone who would at least try to do what we wanted) or the Turkish guy to do us a favour and tell Chris that it was just the two of us who were waiting for him etc.But i need to say that i would try to do something, if i was him, i would maybe just ask Chris to say hi to us or to wave hands cuz he knew that we came to İstanbul from Ankara just to see the gig (Me, actually)

And after 2 hours, that moment came when Chris stepped out of the bar to go to the car, seeming happy, I shout out!, "Chris!" but my voice was so feeble and weak that only me and my friend could hear it though there wasn't much distance between us and him.
Like a stalker, we went after them, street by street till we reached the car.The Turkish guy saw us coming from behind and acted like he didn't realise, maybe this was the only good thing he did to us.

In a deserted street, the car was waiting, other members started to put the equipments and the other stuff in the baggage.I was shy at calling his name again because i thought i was pushing the limits, everybody told us he didn't want to see anyone etc. so, knowing that, calling his name again seemed like something rude.But i couldn't help and called out his name, he looked back and said," how you doing", little shocked, little excited i asked if i could hug him, he said, "of course", and left his bag and we hugged and i kissed him on the cheeks.I can say that that was the best moment of my life, best of all, it was not like a fan-singer thing, he was my friend of course but then i felt like he also saw me as his friend and Cansu said the same thing too after hugging him.He asked if we liked the show and thanked us for coming.Though i wanted to say a lot and i thought i would have endless conversations on various topics with Chris, all i could managed to say was" it was great".He said his byes and got in the car, and then this girl selling Iamx Boutique Products at the concert closed the curtain, everyone except Chris himself showed an unbelievable effort to keep him away from us, as if we were maneaters.But i don't blame them, too if that's their responsibility to keep him safe.

We went to the other side of the car where Chris was sitting and waited there for a couple of minutes and when it was obvious that they were leaving we made the last move and tapped on his window, waving hands, he waved back, smiling.

After their leaving, out of happiness, we hugged each other and i , as you can imagine, started to cry.All of the emotions that built up inside me that night broke out with a crying, out of happiness.
After seeing our tickets that were thought to be signed and the digital camera that was thought to contain a photo with Chris, we decided that they couldn't have the same importance as a hug, because it felt real and there was nothing more important other than a friendly, emotional connection.
We went back to meet our friends and clubbed etc. but if i was alone, i'd like to go straight back to the hostel and think about it, living nothing on it till i slept.
I must say, for myself, that there is a huge difference between the happiness i had a night before the gig and after the gig, i thought i was happy to be in another place with another people, doing things that we didn't have much chance to do back in Ankara and so on.Those were fun things to do, i can't deny it and i can't promise that i'll never do them again but there is a difference between happiness out of a little bit of fun and happiness out of an emotional, real connection, doing or feeling, thats my point.

I was planning not to write the meeting part, because i thought sharing those moments in a blog where everyone can reach just by googling would reduce something in it.You may think i'm exxegareting, but thats how important it is for me.Then it just went with the flow while i was writing.

03.04.10 Babylon-Iamx

and see how my dream came true with even better conditions; 14.10.09

http://sourang.blogspot.com/2009/10/with-best-of-intentionsyou-tried-to.html

Bye.