with the best of intentions,you tried to give an ocean direction

I want to see IAMX live badly,i don't know if he comes here this year but he SHOULDD,i^ll be at the front row, singing along to every song.

and you are not an accident.

unknown pleasures

i realized that i'm still trying to find the reason why i couldn't go to England.I tend to think it like this; i wanted to go badly, and i tried really hard to go, all those exams etc, but i failed in the last minute,by that time,i faced lots of difficulties and none of them were because of me, so what i'm tryin to say is that there was some kind of a power that kept ruining things for me.If you had to take ten steps to achieve it then i took 9 steps waiting, crying..as for the tenth step, i couldn't do anything about it.I just had to wait and i did, shit came out eventually.

ehemmmm,now i'll stop whining about it and will write about what this Power may be.I think that someone, anyone whom i don't know now, needed me here or wanted me to stay here to feel better and s/he wanted this ,somehow,more than i wanted to go,so his/her needs were/are more urgent than mine so my request was blockedIt is obvious that it was blocked, every student entering Brunel uni wrote a personal statement, sent their transcripts and waited for the offer for about 3 weeks.What i had done was completely different from this.

I meet lots of people now because its a new city, new uni, new way of life and i'm trying to find that person.S/he better have a reasonable need!!

waiting in line

I certainly believe that things or people may change just in a minute;

i was gonna go to England and i'm here.The fact that i had been dealing with this for 5 months didn't have any affect on my decision to go to Ank instead.I wanted it badly, but it had to be this way.I denied it for five months, but i couldn't push it more, cuz i was not the only one that was hurt by all of these.

i thought someone was bad, now i don't

i thought i liked someone, now i don't

i thought i found some people with whom i may be able to have good conversations on various subjects, now i don't think i'm feeling that way because of some certain things.

and most surprisingly, although i still feel shit about not being able to study English Literature, i think studying American Culture and literature will not be that bad.

I remember now writing a blog about "saying never again".I think i've had enough to see things this way.I dont even know how i'm gonna feel about a certain thing or a person next week so it would be a useless idea to try to figure out how they'll feel about me.That means, you shouldnt trust anyone, or get used to something or someone because every single thing changes, even you change but at least you can control yourself, your thougths, in the process of changing.

The reason that keeps you alive shouldn't be related to other things or related to someone else, because it is for sure that they will go, there will be a mistake or you will get bored and when you are alone after that, well, let's not think about it.I'm not pessimistic(i am indeed but its got nothing to do with this subject :P),i'm just trying to be realistic and i'm not saying these after waking up from a nightmare, i say these because this is what i experienced

i see God come in my garden but i don't know what he said, for my heart,it wasn't open.

I slipped away last night
Took me away from sight and the place I know.
All crushed upon my skin
This mess I put you in and the punch i threw.
It was a strange reaction
for someone like you to remain on side
And in a chain reaction
I was down and calling for a place to hide.

I saw a broken arm
Machines will all break down in the way I know.
Mended and all made clean
I saw up on the screen all the stones I throw.

It was a strange reaction
for someone like you to remain so sure
And in a chain reaction
I dissolve and break and then away i crawl.

i don't want to fight.I want to get along with you.

how i learned what "worth" means:in my job, theres no promotion, no "thanks", the boss is horrible, im not learning anything, 9am-9pm, so its not worth it. Thanks Gavin, this is vey catchy, :P .

Useless, you ARE !!

"The herpes virus is known to attack during times of weakness in your immune system and stress can cause this.Stress is definitely a factor for herpes outbreaks. Many people experience the most recurring outbreaks during stressful times and instances when they are ill."

*yes,i am under stress

*yes,i am ill (the flu)

so,yes i have herpes on my lippp

I'm waiting for my visa and im really sick of waiting, really, very muchh.I missed Freshers',it is this week and i missed it.I'm here, home while everyone else is at uni, enjoying this week.I could swallow this easily if it was my fault, but it was not,i did my best.

there were some people who didnt want me to go, and even some stupid people who said, "i hope you cant go", so i believe now that the reason i coudln't go is their negative thoughts.I hate you.

It has been holiday for 3 days, could i ask more?It kept back my visa's arrival.

I hope i get it before the weekend or i may decide not to go.

Two days a go, i went to Çeşme with my mom.We swimmed then went to Alaçatı, which was a great place.I really liked it i was planning to write a looong blog about my travel, about what i saw etc. but now i think theres no need.

Merlinized*

yes,i've been down, ive been down, ive been feeling down.

I miss someone i dont know and want something i'll never be able to have.I'll say it again ,i hope i feel this way, because i'm still a teenager and i hope it passes in two years.

Ive been away from home, in Ank, got back today.We had a good time with Nil and Army.I did lots of things about uni, registered for visa, went Hacettepe to ask if i can have a gap year for Brunel-oh yes btw i got into Brunel ;)-and my cousins helped me with these :)

If it all goes according to my plan, i'll get my visa before the weekend and will go on Sunday which means i'll catch Freshers.

I found some people doing my course at Brunel.I added a Turkish guy, he confirmed the request then removed-rude-i was not gonna eat you, no worries, i never do :P

Then i added some other guy, he doesnt talk, i dont know why.What a great start,huh?I dont mind though.

And i've decided to write a book on how to keep boys away from you.